[Fanfic] If You Only Knew

Hi again! So I just wrote a sappy little one-shot starring our favorite couple in their high school years...was just sorta in the mood. It's sort of like a companion piece to Invincible, which I'm going to update soon enough. So if you're looking for something angsty, enjoy!

- OWD

If You Only Knew

Fate-chan, sometimes I wonder if you notice how often I’m looking at you…or how truly aware you are of what’s going on around you. I’ve been standing up here on the roof of the school for at least ten minutes – just watching you – and you have yet to notice me. You’re going to make me worry if you space out like that when we’re on a mission, you know? But I guess I shouldn’t be lecturing you on something like that when I’ve made that same mistake.

I can tell from over here that you’re listening to the MP3 player we went shopping to buy for you for a couple weeks ago. I see earbuds in your ears almost all the time now – who knew you were such a music buff? But I know why you like it so much, Fate-chan. The music helps give a voice to things that you wouldn’t know how to express on your own, right? I know how hard it is for you to speak your mind, even to me.

You look so pensive, sitting there and staring up at the sky. Your hair is wild from the wind blowing it every which way…but the look suits you. You belong in the sky, Fate-chan – just like me. I remember something you told me after my accident, when the doctors told us they didn’t think I’d fly again: “The sky is empty without you, Nanoha.” It was such a silly thing to say, but I couldn’t do anything but reach out for you…not when you looked at me the way you did back then. You were so genuine.

You’ve been pulling away from me recently. It’s barely noticeable to our friends, but to me it’s as clear as day. I’ve felt your hand move just out of reach of mine; I’ve felt you pull away a second faster when we kiss; I’ve felt your body tensing underneath my touch when we’re in bed. I know you, Fate-chan, just like you know me. Mentally, emotionally, physically – we’ve given ourselves to each other. I can’t hide anything from you…so what makes you think you can hide anything from me?

What are you scared of?

Oh, you’re finally looking at me. And…just like that, I can’t remember what I was going to ask you. Every time our eyes meet, I feel like you can see through me to my very core – that’s how intense your gaze is, Fate-chan. That deep crimson captivates me completely, even after all these years. The only difference these days is…you’re not looking at me for longer than you have to.

“Nanoha?”

Your voice is so deep and soft Fate-chan. Hearing my name on your lips is enough to make me crazy, especially when you say it so breathlessly in the heat of the moment. But even when you say it so casually, like you are now, it makes me shiver…or was that just the breeze? It is around five o’clock, so it’s beginning to get chilly. The wind ruffles my brown skirt and I straighten it out before I answer you, pausing just long enough to catch you glancing at my thighs. It’s hard to ignore how cute you are when you do that, but…I have to know what’s wrong.

“Mou, Fate-chan…why’d you run off?”

I walk towards you, standing beside you as you lean up against the chain link fence. You pop the earbuds out and tuck them away, running a hand through your messy tresses as you get to your feet. Even though you outgrew me about three years ago, it’s still odd for me to look up at you…as much as I like wrapping my arms around your neck and tilting my head up to kiss you. I know deep down you probably like having a few inches on me, right? Maybe it makes you feel like you can protect me, like you wanted to when I had my accident.

Do you feel like it was your fault?

“Just getting some air,” you say quietly, snapping me out of my reverie. “We didn’t have time to go outside for lunch, so I was feeling a little claustrophobic.”

It’s a good excuse because it’s partially true – you hate being inside or standing idle for too long. But there’s more to it, isn’t there?

“That’s true…Hayate-chan’s a lot more pushy than she used to be, isn’t she? She wouldn’t let us eat until we finished deciding what clubs we want to sign up for,” I say with a laugh, noticing that your tie’s a bit loose and crooked. I move closer to you, reaching my hands up to tighten it for you. Your breath is hot on my cheek as you watch my hands.

“Yeah…Arisa-chan’s rubbing off on her…” you say distractedly. I look up and you immediately avert your eyes, as if you’re afraid of being caught staring again. I smooth out your blazer at the shoulders when I’m done fixing it, my fingers lingering there.

“Mmm, she’s rubbing off on you too. You always used to make sure your uniform was perfect at all times...but lately you’ve been sloppy with the tie.”

You almost look surprised that I picked up on that minor detail. I see you trying to write it off, looking through the fence to the track team practicing below.

“A-ah…is that so?”

Why won’t you look at me?

And that’s when I tilt your face back towards me and lift my head to kiss you, my fingers curling around the material of your blazer.

---

The warmth of your lips on mine is sudden…and as always, threatens to make my knees buckle. My eyes are wide as I stare down at you, but stunning cobalt blue is hidden from view as you close yours. You simply tangle your hand in my hair and pull me down closer, deepening our liplock before I can stop you. My eyelids flutter to a close as well and I give in to the desire to meld our bodies together, my arms encircling your waist.

Nanoha, when you kiss me like this you know I can’t refuse you. The way you claim me so firmly makes my head spin. It’s almost like…no, you most definitely are asserting that I’ve always belonged to you. Though when we finally part for breath – both of us panting lightly in the short distance between our lips – I can see the fear in your eyes. Fear that I know I’ve caused as of late.

“Fate-chan…” you murmur, fingering a piece of my hair that tickled your face when we kissed. So many words and feelings can pass between us without either of us giving voice to them…but this time, I’m not sure if my thoughts will reach you on their own. Why else would you be holding onto me so desperately, like you’re keeping me from running away? You’re in the dark, and I’ve never been a source of light for you...not like you’ve been for me.

I sigh a little more shakily than I would have liked to. I don’t want to turn away from you, but speaking these words aloud would be too painful for both of us. How can I possibly tell you that I haven’t forgiven myself for what happened to you, that I blame myself for you almost losing your ability to soar the skies? What kind of burden would that lay on your shoulders, while you’re still recovering no less?

I know you were worried for me back then. Not only were you were exhausted from over-exerting yourself in training, even if you were in top form already, but you were distracted; I had gone on a particularly dangerous mission alone, and I know that was on your mind when you were shot down. I had seen the rage in Vita’s eyes in the hospital that day when she saw me run in – she knew, too.

You saved me once, Nanoha. You pulled me out of the abyss – quite literally. When I saw you lying in that hospital bed, so frail and still...I cried. I fell to my knees and wept, knowing that I had betrayed the one person who I could truly say loved me with their entire being. I've been with you at every step of the way in your recovery, but it hasn't felt like I've done enough. I know I haven't, because I wasn't there to cut down the bastard who threatened to clip your wings. It weighs on my heart every day.

You pull me out of my thoughts with another kiss, your lips grazing my jawline. I swallow hard, knowing that you’re both trying to soothe me and coax me into talking to you simultaneously.

How do you know me so well?

“Nanoha…w-wait…” I plead gently, moving my hands over yours. You look up at me, and I lose myself in that determined stare for a few long moments. Your soft hair frames your face so perfectly – a face so naturally beautiful that it makes it hard to breathe. I’ll never understand how you view yourself as plain when you stun me the way you do…especially when you’re being so strong-minded.

“Just give me—”

“No, Fate-chan. Tell me what’s going on.”

I feel myself stiffen as you pre-empt the excuse I was about to make. But then, as the usually comfortable silence we share grows deafening, the school clock tower rings out five times. We both know that our families expect us home by six o’clock, so for an instant I feel as though I’m going to escape the tenseness of the situation and start to move away.

“I’ll…tell you tomorrow, ne? We need to catch the bus.”

I get maybe a few steps away from you before you grab my arm and stop me from leaving. We both know I’m the faster of the two of us…my body must have let me be caught by you. I curse my legs for turning against me quietly.

“It wasn’t your fault, Fate-chan,” you say from behind me.

Neither of us moves as your unexpected words sink in. Did the guilt show on my face? Did I give myself away after all? I look at my feet, feeling the tears wanting to form…and then the sensation hits me of your chest pressing up against my back; your arms wrap around me, your cheek rests against the back of my neck. You mold yourself to me once more.

“You’re not going to lose me.”

The warm droplets course down my cheeks, but I don’t make a noise. You must know I’m crying, because all you do is squeeze me tighter. You’re the one who’s been hurt, Nanoha…and yet you’re the one holding me, protecting me, putting the things into words that I can’t bring myself to ask you to say. I’ve never been closer to anyone than I am to you, and the thought of losing you terrifies me.

How can I not worry?

---

I don’t want to let go of you, Fate-chan. I know you feel weak and useless – and for you, that’s the absolute worst feeling in the world. But you know…you give me strength too, just like you always have. You’ve saved me more times than I can count, and if you hadn’t been by my side in the hospital I don’t know if I would’ve pulled through. I wouldn’t be standing here if it weren’t for you.

I wait for you to stop shuddering before I gently tug you around by your arm, cupping your cheek and wiping away the remaining tears that fall from your lovely eyes. The way you look at me breaks my heart, but I don’t look away. This is a pain, a vulnerability that only we can share.

“Nanoha…” you start to say. “I’m sorry…I’ve been selfish. Pulling away from you when you need me the most…”

“Stop doing that,” I say without hesitation. I won’t let you say something like that, Fate-chan…you should know better than that.

“Eh?”

“Stop blaming yourself. What happened happened…and I’m getting better. I learned from it.”

“But…” you say uncertainly. I recognize the confusion and doubt right away, and it reminds me of a distant memory.

You were much younger then, and had always put up walls to protect yourself from anyone outside the world your mother had created for you. The image of a nine-year-old, covered in scars, with such a lonely gaze – it aches the deepest part of me to remember it. When I befriended you…when I begged you to trust me, to believe in me the first time…things eventually worked out, didn’t they? Aren’t we both better off? I know I wouldn’t trade this for anything else. Neither would you, right?

The words I want to tell you come effortlessly.

“Keep believing in me, Fate-chan,” I tell you with a smile.

You blink a few times, now looking completely befuddled. I can’t help but laugh – it’s a rare sight to see you so hopelessly confused. I don’t give you the time to say much more though as I push you backwards until your back hits the wall, right by the door that led me upstairs to you. My fingers hook on the hem of your skirt and you blush reflexively. You’re so easy to fluster…do you know how much I love that about you?

I rest my head against your shoulder, listening to you hitch your breath as my fingers brush up against your firm belly.

“I’ll keep believing in you…so you have to keep believing in me. I won’t worry about you during a mission anymore, because I know you’re the strongest person I know Fate-chan.”

I feel your palm pressing up against my lower back and I sigh happily, continuing my train of thought. “It’ll be hard, but…I know you won’t leave me alone.”

You wrap me in your long arms and hold me tightly. Did I get through to you? You answer me almost immediately as if you heard my question by joining our lips.

Your kisses are so sweet, gentle, patient – it’s like you’re letting me taste the very essence of who you are, Fate-chan.

“I promise I will, Nanoha,” you murmur as we part. The conviction in your voice is strong…it almost takes me aback. I feel the redness on my cheeks growing as you breathe warmly in my ear. I know you want to, need to hear me say it too.

“Mmm, I promise too.”

Neither of us speak for some time, just enjoying the warmth between us. I find that little spot in the crook of your neck that I love resting against when we sleep, and close my eyes. I know neither of us wants to go home yet. Another memory floods my mind, one of us laying together on a grassy hill some distance from here. You were so relaxed – I remember you laughing when I tickled your ear with a dandelion. All we did was talk and lay together, watching the sunset…but we didn’t need anything else.

I pull away from you, a slow grin spreading on my face.

“Fate-chan, let’s go.”

“Eh? Where?”

“To that one hill outside of town…by that old shrine. We went there after you passed your Enforcer exam, remember?”

I see the recognition in your eyes as that small, blissful memory comes to you.

“Mmm,” you affirm softly.

“We can let our parents know we’ll out a little later, ne?” I ask you as I step backwards, touching Raising Heart. It’s a little ways away, even to fly but…I’ll manage for you, Fate-chan. With you by my side, I can go farther than I ever could on my own.

But I don’t get the chance to call out. You transform into your barrier jacket in what must have been a millisecond, a testament to your incredible speed, and scoop me right up into your arms. Now it’s my turn to be shocked. I look up at you, feeling a familiar burning sensation in my cheeks.

“F-Fate-chan?”

---

I can see the red and orange hues of the evening sky reflected in your eyes, Nanoha. The blue and purple tones that make up your gaze have always enthralled me, but when the light of day shines just right on your upturned face…I can’t express how brilliant that color becomes. It makes me pause for a moment but you soon poke my cheek in embarrassment, forcing me back to reality. I guess you caught me red-handed for staring this time.

I hold you closer as I cast a masking spell over us, chuckling a little at your still-flustered expression.

“It’s easier to mask just one of us, isn’t it?” I ask a little teasingly. You pout cutely at me, but I can see how much happier you are...even if it means letting me baby you a little. I won’t let you strain yourself when you don’t have to.

“Mou...” you say as you lean against me. I tighten my grip around your legs and back as I kick us off into the air, the wind blowing against our bodies fiercely as I take us higher and higher into the sky. The feeling is exhilarating every time, but it’s never as strong as when you’re here with me. Yet at the same time, the weight of you in my arms makes me feel at peace…like nothing else does. I smile at the feeling of your silky hair caressing my chin and your fingers grasping at my cloak.

“I had forgotten how it felt to fly this high with you, Nanoha,” I whisper, knowing you can’t hear me above the roar of the wind blowing past us.

If you only knew how dear you are to me.

---

I had forgotten too, Fate-chan. I squeeze you tightly, knowing you won’t let me go – you and I belong up here, together in the sky. That's why I'll keep fighting.

If you only knew how much I love you.